An early step in the writing of my new book, Loving Hard-to-Love Parents: A Handbook for Adult Children of Difficult Older Parents, was a review of files of patients I had seen in my practice over the previous five years. Among these, I found dozens of cases of patients who were struggling with a difficult older parent. My notes detailed the unpleasant behaviors of these parents, and the themes running through these cases became the backbone of my book.

It was quite interesting, however, to also find files for many patients who once or still had a very difficult parent, yet had gotten quite over it and had used their psychotherapy with me to deal with another life challenge altogether. Their history with their difficult parent was old business, just another “oh, well” piece of their life tapestry. What differentiated these adults from their still-suffering peers is a very complex topic, which will probably be examined at length in my book’s eventual second edition.

What is vital to recognize right now, however, is that the very existence of such “recovered CODOPs” sends a profound message to those less fortunate, i.e., that recovery truly is attainable.

What does recovery mean for a CODOP? Apropos for Independence Day, it means emotional independence from the difficult parent and their legacy. It means emancipation, that is, termination of a former state of inequality. It means peerhood, that is, a deep sense of equal autonomy, equal authority, and equal responsibility between the parent and the adult child. It means filial maturity, that is, the mutual and caring relationship seen between adult children and their older parents, including each understanding the needs of the other.

As was the case for our national founding fathers, independence is not willingly granted by problematic rulers. The underdog has to work for it, demand it, fight for it, and refuse to accept anything less. It takes clarity, courage, and commitment. With luck, the relationship between the formerly unequal parties can eventually become as positive as that between the US and Great Britain today.

Everything I know about this process is in my book. As of this writing, copies are rolling off of the press in Dallas. Stay up to date here on how you can get your copy.

Happy Independence Day!

SEE ALSO my blog post for Independence Day last year here.

My father would now be 98 years old had he not passed away in 1998. He was a fine guy who had a really good life. 

His life included many wonderful aspects. These included growing up with his six siblings in a hardworking, close, and loving family, a happy marriage, four healthy, successful children, a successful business career, and a rewarding retirement period spent travelling with his wife.

His life also included many painful aspects. These included losing his father at age 14, painful deaths of various relatives through the years, and some serious health challenges in adulthood.  Although he had his personality quirks, he was almost always pleasant to everyone. He was widely respected and beloved by relatives and friends.

My father was not perfect. But parents need not be perfect. In fact, no one has perfect parents, and no one has a perfect childhood. No matter how loving, fair, healthy, and attentive your parents were, there were certainly life skills that come in handy but that your particular parents somehow failed to provide you.

If you were taught self-reliance, were you also taught generosity and sharing? If you were taught compassion, were you also taught self-respect and the ability to say no? If you were taught assertiveness, were you also taught how to observe and listen? If you were taught gratitude, were you also taught ambition? If you were taught forgiveness, were you also taught how to confront an offender?

Luckily, a child with “good enough” parenting generally turns out fine. I feel am one of these. I hope you are, too. If you are lucky enough to still have a living father, be sure you thank him properly this Father’s Day.

For anyone whose father is or was not so pleasant, I am very happy to make two important announcements. 

First, my book, Loving Hard-to-Love Parents: A Handbook for Adult Children of Difficult Older Parents, is very close to publication! It contains all of the wisdom I have gleaned from working with hundreds of such families, presented as ten concepts to empower your mind, ten insights to comfort your heart, and ten skills to guide your actions. Learn more about the book here.

Second, our free, monthly support group for adult children of difficult older parents (CODOPs) has a home! They will take place at 6:30 p.m., on the fourth Tuesday of each month at Unity Church of Dallas, 6525 Forest Lane, Dallas, TX 75230. Please join us on Tuesday, June 27 at 6:30. RSVP is requested here.
​

Imagine this common scene. At a gathering, Bob sees his friend, Bill, for the first time in two months. After the handshake and hello, Bob asks Bill, “How are you doing?”

I think of this simple question from Bob to Bill as a knock on the door of the Bill’s inner life. The “space” behind this “door” is not Bill’s living room, but his private thoughts and feelings. Here are his hopes and fears. Here are his opinions of himself and others. Here are his memories and his current projects and dilemmas.

Once Bill hears the knock, he has only a split second to decide how to respond.  Will he open the door? How far will he open the door?

Let me suggest this key for deciphering Bill’s answers.

Bill might say, “Good to see you, too!  How are you?” This is equivalent to not opening the door at all for Bob at this time.

Bill might say, “I’m fine.” This is the door opening just enough to acknowledge the knock.  The chain is not removed, and the door is promptly re-closed.

Bill might say, “Pretty good,” or “OK.” This is unlocking the door, removing the chain, and opening it halfway. Halfway is open enough for Bob to see inside a little. Unless Bob asks a follow up question, the door will be closed.

Bill might say, “Good question,” or “Don’t ask,” or “I’m doing.” This is opening the door wide open, giving Bob a full view of the room inside, with all its chaos and distress. It is an invitation for Bob to follow up with another question.

Bill might say, “I’ve been better,”  “How long do you have?” or especially “Not so good.” This is not only opening the door wide but welcoming Bob inside to hear the authentic truth about Bill at this moment. If the immediate setting is not conducive, plans are made for a prompt one-on-one visit.

It is good when someone knocks on a friend’s door. It is even better when the friend lets the visitor in. Friendships are built on connection and authenticity.

How do you answer knocks on your door?

My work as a psychologist is fascinating, challenging, and gratifying. Every day, I have the honor of being allowed into my patients’ inner-most thoughts and feelings. From that privileged vantage point, I routinely witness exemplary courage and inspiring triumphs. Some examples will illustrate why I love my job.

1. I have many patients who provide care to two or even three impaired loved ones. These might be a spouse or parent with dementia or kidney failure, an adult child with emotional or cognitive limitations, or a sibling or in-law with depression or addiction. In some cases, the impaired relative has historically been quite unpleasant, making it hard for my patients to feel generous to them. They provide loving care nonetheless. As a result, they are often exhausted or overwhelmed, and at times feel hopeless about the future. Many struggle with the apparent injustice of their enormous burden and their lack of support or recognition. Nonetheless, they provide loving care. I am in awe of their courage and selflessness.

2. Many patients have low self-esteem due to a decades-long history of unhealthy relationships, marital failures, emotional neglect, or abuse. Some have never seen in any sphere of their lives a kind parent or a happy marriage. They therefore truly believe that these phenomena do not exist on earth.  They gravitate into relationships with deeply dysfunctional partners, where they struggle vainly to find a scrap of support, respect, hope, or love. It is inspiring, and sometimes nearly miraculous, to witness these patients, through their work in psychotherapy, finally feel pride in their own strengths and achievements and come to see themselves, their situation, their future, and the entire world with new eyes and a newly courageous attitude. I am in awe of their capacity to grow.

3. A patient once told me about his mother, who worked for 30 years at the same clothing manufacturing company and advanced from the factory floor to management. Near the end of her career, the company hit hard times, downsized their workforce, and moved her back to the factory floor. The workers who had formerly worked under her spontaneously approached her with this message: “Any time you need any help at all, let us know right away. We’ll happily help you any way we can, because you were always fair and kind to us.”  She therefore counseled her son to always treat people right, because “you just never know.”  I am in awe of the character and integrity of such people.

4. Many patients believe erroneously that other people have much happier and more desirable lives than they. They compare their insides to other people’s outsides. I take great joy in helping my patients give up this self-destructive habit. I was wowed by one patient who, clearly getting the message, introduced me to the adage, “The happiest people I know are the ones I don’t know very well.”

I am so grateful for the privilege of doing this work. Every day, I see therapy produce real value, tangible improvement, and meaningful growth for patients. 
​
Give some thought to the value you produce in your job. You deserve to be proud of it and to love your job as I do.
​

“In human relationships, kindness and lies are worth a thousand truths.”  - Graham Greene
 
Children of difficult older parents should not let a naive commitment to total honesty blind them to the difficult person’s emotional idiosyncrasies or brain disease-induced cognitive impairment.

A person with a personality disorder or dementia cannot consistently acknowledge the truth, respect facts, and obey the rules of logic, because their internal life is ruled by their emotions or by damaged brain circuits. Since they are not constrained by the truth, you also must be free to bend the truth when necessary for their and your wellbeing. Appropriately bending the truth to reduce the person’s resistance to necessary care is called the “therapeutic fib.”   

For example, imagine that your mother with clearly documented dementia insists that you give her the car keys or take her to get her license renewed. Mom wants to have access to driving, but she needs to not have access to driving.

It is totally loving and appropriate to tell a small untruth about the car being “in the shop waiting for incredibly expensive repairs,” or “the computer system at the department of motor vehicles is broken, so they can’t process renewals now.”  When mom asks, “When will this get fixed?” your answer should be vague. You’ll say, “Soon, I hope.” Or, perhaps you’ll say that the doctor says she can’t drive. When mom asks, “For how long?” you’ll answer, “Just for now, until you get better.” “Well, when is that going to be?” You’ll say, “Soon, I hope.” For now and soon are very useful answers in many situations, because they keep hope alive. For now and soon are therapeutic fibs.

If these words shock you, you are not the first. My patients often respond, “You’re just teaching me to manipulate my parent! Isn’t this just lying?!”
​
I think not. I call it influence, and I like to assume that everyone’s motivation for providing feedback or input to others is benign or even constructive and loving. When the person in question is unable to make appropriate use of honest feedback, the legitimate, loving, and more effective approach is to finesse them, through such strategies as the therapeutic fib, into behaving more wisely.
​
I believe that good people who view the situation impartially would all agree with the wholesomeness of this approach.
​

In our digital age, submitting a comment, a request, or a review generally involves typing our words into a “message” field on a company’s website.   We can type any words we like in that box.  Luckily, nothing we type means a thing until we hit “send.”  Before sending, we have time to complain, criticize, and condemn, then calm down, compose, and clarify.  By the time we hit “send,” though, we had better be clear about our meaning and committed to our message, because the message cannot be un-sent.

I believe that each of us continually sends messages out to everyone we encounter.  We do it with our actions, our grooming, our wardrobe, our face, our words, and our tone. 

Is our message optimistic or not? Is it open, friendly, and welcoming or not?  Does it reflect genuine interested or not?  Does it prove us to be honest, ethical, and reliable or not?  Does it reflect that we are well-rounded, or focused on one area of life at the unfortunate expense of other important areas?

Of all the fields on the website of our life, surely the contents of our message field will have more impact and be remembered by more people than our home address and even our name.  After our death, what will people find that they can learn from our life? What will be our legacy, our guiding principle, and the lesson of our life?  Near or after life’s end is too late to establish the answers to these questions.  It will be hard to overcome the impressions we gave every day for the decades of our life.  Our daily messages cannot be un-sent.

The time to compose and send the message we want to be associated with us and our memory is today!

At this festive time of year, expectations run high.  Fueled by memories of “the good old days” and idyllic scenes from TV commercials, our hopes are raised for holiday gatherings full of pleasant interactions with loving and approving friends and family.  We will surely feel connected, loved, welcomed, and validated.

    In reality, however, not every relative is delightful, not every child is successful, not every loved one is in good health, not every gathering is joyous, not every family is harmonious, and not every dinner table conversation is constructive.  Not every heart will be content.  When any aspect of our personal holiday picture is badly broken, our heartache fills our screen.  The pain runs deep, and life seems simply awful.  

    However, here is what I have learned from my career as a psychologist.  Whatever our age, as painful as our personal situation may be, it could be much worse.  This vital truth should be recognized as a compelling reason for each of us to be extremely grateful.  Let me illustrate.

1.    Some of my older patients are lonely and sad because they have too little family.  Perhaps they have just one or two children, but the children are both far away. The holidays are too quiet for comfort.  Some of my older patients have a large family, but their own kids are estranged or have passed away with no spouses or children, leaving my patients feeling bereft even while sitting among siblings and their children. 

2.    Some of my older patients actually have too much family.  There are so many households in the clan that it is impossible to coordinate as much together time as the patient used to have when there were fewer spouses and in-laws.  The result is a trail of hurt feelings as adult children make difficult choices about distributing their time among parents during the holidays.  The amount of intimate family time pales compared to the past.  Some of my patients have open conflict with their in-laws, that is, the parents of their children’s spouses.  If their children are emotionally closer to other side, there are always hurt feelings.

3.    Some of my older patients have recently lost their spouse to death, so this is their first Christmas without their spouse.  After any loss, every “first” is very hard.  The grief is continually refreshed as if brand new.  This is exhausting.

4.    Some of older patients have recently placed their spouse in a dementia care facility.  Just as in the case of losing the spouse to death, this is their first Christmas without their spouse by their side.  After any loss, every “first” is very hard.  The grief is continually refreshed as if brand new.  

5.    Some of my older patients themselves have new illness or impairment, so they cannot prepare for Christmas as they could before.  They are no longer able to cook, decorate, entertain, or travel as in past years.  This makes them feel sad, or sometimes resentful, guilty, or embarrassed.

6.    Some of my older patients have elderly siblings or friends who live 1500 miles away, and both are too ill to travel and see each other one more time before someone passes away.  Both sadly know they will probably never see each other again.

    If any of the above examples does not describe your situation, you have a reason to be thankful!  Would you trade your situation for (another) one from this list?  In fact, perhaps some people would happily trade situations with you.  I am confident that many people, if they knew you through and through, would envy your situation in life.  They have troubles, too, I promise.  They probably do not broadcast this fact, which is why we must all be careful to never compare our insides with other people’s outsides.

    So, let us all strive to have realistic expectations of ourselves, our lives, our mood, and the behavior of those we love.  We all have much to be thankful for, and I urge everyone to give that side of our lives its fair share of attention at this special season.  Practice faith that all is for the good, and that these are the good old days!

Don't have time to read this weeks blog? You can listen to Dr. Paul by clicking play in the button below.

There are a wide variety of difficult parent situations, and several ways to describe that variety.  One way to categorize them is by the blood relationship between the older parent and the CODOP (Child of a Difficult Older Parent).  A second way is by the longevity of the situation.  A third way is by behavior pattern.  In my experience, the vast majority of difficult parent situations fall into one of what I call the “classic six” difficult parent scenarios, and each is distinguished by a core difficult behavior.  They are:
​
1. Intrusiveness
2. Laziness
3. Blaming, critical
4. Dishonesty 
5. Irresponsibility
6. The innocent façade

Let’s address the first two scenarios in this post, along with the key response tools that I recommend to adult CODOPs.  We’ll address the remaining four in future posts.

INTRUSIVENESS refers to the parent who arrives at your home or office uninvited and then stays too long, ignoring normal social indicators that their visit is ill-timed.  They may phone you too often, and routinely try to pry into your private topics during conversation.  They show up at your kids’ sports events and push their way into your conversations with your friends. 

The main tool for CODOPs in this scenario is managing boundaries assertively.  A boundary is a rule about what contact with us, or access to us, we allow another person to have. Boundaries should be consciously designed, implemented, and enforced.  Assertive individuals communicate clearly to others, through word and deed, what they want for themselves and what they expect of others, as well as what they are and are not willing to do.     

LAZINESS refers to the parent who is needy yet uncooperative. In many instances, they warrant the label of a “help-rejecting complainer.”  They neglect the management of themselves and their home.  When the CODOP generously tries to help in these tasks, the parent is passively obstructionist and unappreciative.  The CODOP’s help is blocked or undone, and the complaining continues.

The main tools for CODOPs in this scenario are becoming a smarter fish, understanding the meaning of honoring parents, and understanding authority vs. responsibility.  

Becoming a smarter fish is my description of learning to ignore inaccurate or provocative questions, accusations, or statements. I help CODOPs learn this. 

The Bible’s fifth commandment, “Honor your father and mother,” according to most biblical interpreters, does require that the adult child see to the parent’s basic physical needs (food, clothing, shelter, etc.), but it does not require that the adult child love or like the parent, and it does not require that the adult child obey every wish of the parent or submit to abuse of any kind.  The CODOP’s highest goal should be protecting the parent’s safety and dignity, not necessarily their happiness.  

Responsibility refers to doing the work, putting in one's own money, time, or effort, and generally "carrying the load" for a certain project, such as caring for an impaired relative.  Authority is the privilege to make and enforce decisions about the project at hand.   If you are ever asked to accept, or have the thought on your own to take, responsibility for a project that you are not also given adequate authority to complete, my advice is, don’t!

Don’t miss my upcoming posts for discussion of the remaining four classic six difficult parent scenarios.

This past weekend, I was a panelist on the topic, “Boomerang Kids,” at the “Sandwich Generation Forum” organized by News Radio 1080 KRLD.  My co-panelist was Dallas financial planner, Erin Botsford.  At the day-long forum, the 200+ attendees from the public heard presentations on legal, financial, medical, and emotional aspects of being middle aged with responsibilities for both older and younger relatives.

On my website, PaulKChafetz.com, the consistently most visited page is about boomerang kids.  We all know the phenomenon has become more common since the depression of 2008.  No surprise, then, that our panel presentation was well attended and well received.  I want to share the main points I made to the group.

1. Young adults age 18-24 are far more likely to move back in with family than those 25-29 y.o. or 30-34 y.o.
2.  Only for the youngest (18-24 y.o.) are economics the main reason for their return home.
3. Rates of returning home show no difference across genders, races, or income levels.
4. Among the people living in these multigenerational homes, 70% are quite satisfied with the arrangement.  In only 18% do they report damage to the parent-child relationship.  I liken boomerang to divorce.  That is, it is not an ideal to which anyone strives, but it need not be a fatal catastrophe, and it is often a perfectly livable arrangement that allows life to go on quite satisfactorily for many people.

Of course, there are some truly unpleasant boomerang situations out there.  So, I shared with the audience my list of SEVEN CORE SKILLS FOR PARENTS UNHAPPY WITH THEIR BOOMERANG CHILD SITUATION.

First, be clear about the meaning of the word “love.”  I contend that love is a commitment to work for the continuing healthy development of another human being.  It is not a commitment to their pleasure and comfort.  It means helping the world teach the young adult child the many lessons about life.  These deal primarily with maturely and constructively managing oneself, one’s time, one’s money, one’s words, one’s relationships, and one’s health.

Second, learn assertiveness.  That is, avoid both passivity and aggressiveness, and use words to communicate with others and to be known to them.  Always speak both clearly and firmly, and respectfully and constructively.

Third, learn how to set goals, boundaries, deadlines, and limits (on dollars, on duration, on delays).

Fourth, link (a) the rewards and support the parent provides the boomerang kid to (b) the kid’s performance and cooperation.  This vital step gives meaning to the parent’s words.

Fifth, parents must learn to tolerate necessary distress, in their kids and in themselves.  If the parent is squeamish about this, then their compassion for the adult child becomes enabling, as the parent shields the child excessively from the real world.  Parents who enable often . . . 

- Don’t charge rent
- Let him be awake all night and asleep all day.
- Buy his groceries or cook his food.
- Wash and fold his laundry
- Clean his bathroom and make his bed
- Pay his tuition even though he doesn’t go to class
- Pay for his car, gas, car repairs.  

Sixth, parents should mobilize their own network of friends and relatives, to get the support they need to tackle their situation.  They should network by letting their friends and family know of the new structures they are creating at home.

Finally, if these steps prove too hard alone, parents should consult a professional.
​
I send my thanks to KRLD for bringing us this meaningful event.

Have you said “aah” lately?  I hope so. Think of a cool drink on a hot day. Everyone knows that “aah” means happiness, relief, pleasure, and comfort.  I propose that AAH is actually an acronym, an abbreviation for (trust me here) “ask for and accept help.”  Of course!  What brings happiness, relief, pleasure, and comfort better than asking for and accepting help?  Not much! 

​Why are so many people reluctant to ask for help?  Here in Texas, probably all over America, there is a widespread ethos of rugged self-reliance, which holds that an honorable person takes full responsibility for himself, endures stoically the consequences of his own decisions, and views asking for help as weakness or failure. 

It is certainly desirable that everyone dig deeply into themselves for courage, perseverance, effort, and skill to move their life forward. It is also desirable that everyone contributes to society rather than mooches off of the labor and kindness of others.  At the same time, though, we know that life often hands people extraordinary challenges that quickly overwhelm their normal coping resources.  Is it good for society for that person to crash and burn?  Is it honorable to let unfortunate circumstances grind us down, and move us from strained to crushed?  I don’t think so.

Regardless of a general ethos of rugged self-reliance, there are circumstances in which good sense requires asking for and accepting help.  That is, the rules change!  To adhere to the usual rule when the rules should change is stubborn, unwise, selfish, and self-destructive.  It is easy to be too proud.  This truth is universally recognized, as contained in adages such as, “If you want to go fast, go alone, but if you want to go far, go together,” "It takes a village,” or “There, but for the grace of G-d, go I.” 

When you get a toothache, do you (a) do your own dental work, or (b) visit a dentist?   When you or a loved one is suffering acute or prolonged emotional upset, do you (a) Google it, or (b) consult a psychologist?  If a loved one is hospitalized, do you (a) keep it a secret, or (b) let your friends know so they can help you with emotional and practical support? 

I support option “b” in all such cases.  To reach “a-a-h!,” remember to ask for and accept help.  It will be good for you, good for those who help you, and good for your community.