REFLECTIONS OF A “BOOMERANG KIDS” PANELIST

This past weekend, I was a panelist on the topic, “Boomerang Kids,” at the “Sandwich Generation Forum” organized by News Radio 1080 KRLD.  My co-panelist was Dallas financial planner, Erin Botsford.  At the day-long forum, the 200+ attendees from the public heard presentations on legal, financial, medical, and emotional aspects of being middle aged with responsibilities for both older and younger relatives.

On my website, PaulKChafetz.com, the consistently most visited page is about boomerang kids.  We all know the phenomenon has become more common since the depression of 2008.  No surprise, then, that our panel presentation was well attended and well received.  I want to share the main points I made to the group.

1. Young adults age 18-24 are far more likely to move back in with family than those 25-29 y.o. or 30-34 y.o.
2.  Only for the youngest (18-24 y.o.) are economics the main reason for their return home.
3. Rates of returning home show no difference across genders, races, or income levels.
4. Among the people living in these multigenerational homes, 70% are quite satisfied with the arrangement.  In only 18% do they report damage to the parent-child relationship.  I liken boomerang to divorce.  That is, it is not an ideal to which anyone strives, but it need not be a fatal catastrophe, and it is often a perfectly livable arrangement that allows life to go on quite satisfactorily for many people.

Of course, there are some truly unpleasant boomerang situations out there.  So, I shared with the audience my list of SEVEN CORE SKILLS FOR PARENTS UNHAPPY WITH THEIR BOOMERANG CHILD SITUATION.

First, be clear about the meaning of the word “love.”  I contend that love is a commitment to work for the continuing healthy development of another human being.  It is not a commitment to their pleasure and comfort.  It means helping the world teach the young adult child the many lessons about life.  These deal primarily with maturely and constructively managing oneself, one’s time, one’s money, one’s words, one’s relationships, and one’s health.

Second, learn assertiveness.  That is, avoid both passivity and aggressiveness, and use words to communicate with others and to be known to them.  Always speak both clearly and firmly, and respectfully and constructively.

Third, learn how to set goals, boundaries, deadlines, and limits (on dollars, on duration, on delays).

Fourth, link (a) the rewards and support the parent provides the boomerang kid to (b) the kid’s performance and cooperation.  This vital step gives meaning to the parent’s words.

Fifth, parents must learn to tolerate necessary distress, in their kids and in themselves.  If the parent is squeamish about this, then their compassion for the adult child becomes enabling, as the parent shields the child excessively from the real world.  Parents who enable often . . . 

- Don’t charge rent
- Let him be awake all night and asleep all day.
- Buy his groceries or cook his food.
- Wash and fold his laundry
- Clean his bathroom and make his bed
- Pay his tuition even though he doesn’t go to class
- Pay for his car, gas, car repairs.  

Sixth, parents should mobilize their own network of friends and relatives, to get the support they need to tackle their situation.  They should network by letting their friends and family know of the new structures they are creating at home.

Finally, if these steps prove too hard alone, parents should consult a professional.
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I send my thanks to KRLD for bringing us this meaningful event.