Talk to Dr. Chafetz now : 469-233-5566
Paul K. Chafetz, PhD Clinical Psychology
  • Home
  • Services
  • About
  • Contact
    • Send Dr. Chafetz a Message
    • Contact Information >
      • Office Location
    • Upcoming Events
    • New patient registration forms
    • Site Map
  • Blog
  • Media
    • Speaking Engagements
    • Articles
    • Quizzes
    • Other Media
  • Services
    • Adult Psychology >
      • Midlife Crisis Depression
      • Dealing With Empty Nest Syndrome
      • Adjustment To Retirement
      • Caregiver Support
      • Dealing with Adult Children
      • Dealing with Elderly Parents
      • Dealing With Difficult Relatives
      • Authority and Responsibility in Families
      • Boomerang adult children
      • BOOM: Becoming one's own man
    • Health Psychology >
      • Depression Psychotherapy
      • Anxiety Therapy
      • Insomnia Therapy
      • Chronic Illness Therapy
      • Pain Management Therapy
    • Psychology of Life >
      • Self-Esteem Therapy
      • Stages of Life Psychology
      • Assertiveness Therapy
      • Psychology of Forgiveness
      • Family Psychotherapy
      • Birth Order Psychology
    • Clinical Gero-Psychology >
      • Grief Therapy
      • Dementia Therapy
      • Coping with Senility
    • Forensic Gero-Psychology >
      • Competence to sign a will
      • Contesting a will
      • Guardianship
      • Vulnerability to exploitation
    • Need a speaker?
  • Past Events
  • Home
  • Services
  • About
  • Contact
    • Send Dr. Chafetz a Message
    • Contact Information >
      • Office Location
    • Upcoming Events
    • New patient registration forms
    • Site Map
  • Blog
  • Media
    • Speaking Engagements
    • Articles
    • Quizzes
    • Other Media
  • Services
    • Adult Psychology >
      • Midlife Crisis Depression
      • Dealing With Empty Nest Syndrome
      • Adjustment To Retirement
      • Caregiver Support
      • Dealing with Adult Children
      • Dealing with Elderly Parents
      • Dealing With Difficult Relatives
      • Authority and Responsibility in Families
      • Boomerang adult children
      • BOOM: Becoming one's own man
    • Health Psychology >
      • Depression Psychotherapy
      • Anxiety Therapy
      • Insomnia Therapy
      • Chronic Illness Therapy
      • Pain Management Therapy
    • Psychology of Life >
      • Self-Esteem Therapy
      • Stages of Life Psychology
      • Assertiveness Therapy
      • Psychology of Forgiveness
      • Family Psychotherapy
      • Birth Order Psychology
    • Clinical Gero-Psychology >
      • Grief Therapy
      • Dementia Therapy
      • Coping with Senility
    • Forensic Gero-Psychology >
      • Competence to sign a will
      • Contesting a will
      • Guardianship
      • Vulnerability to exploitation
    • Need a speaker?
  • Past Events
Picture

AVOIDING POINTLESS CONFRONTATION WITH IRRATIONAL PEOPLE

9/16/2015

0 Comments

 
In my practice, a significant portion of my clients are healthy and perfectly delightful people, well-functioning in every respect.   However, they do have the misfortune of having a loved one who is irrationally difficult.   That is, these relatives literally do not subject themselves to the rules of logic when interpreting the world and interacting with others. 

For example, imagine an adult you love saying, angrily or tearfully, for the tenth time today, “I hate you for stealing all my money,”or,“ I can’t find my Daddy.” The cause of this is usually either (a) cognitive impairment caused by brain tissue disease (e.g., from Alzheimer’s disease, strokes, head trauma, etc.), or (b) personality disorder (e.g., narcissistic PD, antisocial PD, dependent PD, and paranoid PD, etc.).

Whatever the cause, my clients have invariably worn out two common but useless approaches.  First, reasoning, that is, explaining why you wish they would behave differently, asking them to behave differently next time, or revealing how their behavior makes you feel.  Second, confrontation, such as describing their own behavior to them and demanding they change, or threatening some consequence if they do not change.  These strategies all rely on an assumption that the loved one respects and uses logic in their own thinking and decision making.  But they don’t use logic, so these strategies fail. 

I fervently hope that you have never encountered such a person, and never will.  Nevertheless, just in case you ever do, I am going to share with you the strategy I teach to my clients. I call it Dr. Chafetz’s two-part recipe for avoiding confrontation.  The first element is to remain vague and noncommittal about facts.  Do not say yes; and do not say no!  Say things like,” Oh!”  “Interesting!”   “You don’t say!”  “Isn’t that something?”  ”Wow! Let me check on that.”  “I don’t know.”  The second element is to use your words to express empathy about their feelings.  “That must be hard.”  “What’s that like for you?”  Finally, let me share with you the simple, three-word phrase which powerfully combines these two elements.  It is, “I HEAR YOU.” 

I know it can be very hard to resist the temptation to reason with someone, but if you have a loved one who does not respond to reasoning or confrontation, give this recipe a try, and let me know how it turns out.


 

0 Comments



Leave a Reply.

    My podcasts

    Dr. Chafetz

    “My passion is ensuring that every adult is mentally ready to succeed in all transitions that comprise the adult years.  The meaning in my life comes from helping my patients see themselves, their situation, their future, and the entire world with new eyes and a newly courageous attitude.  
    ​
    My blog is for those wanting to Grow Into It."

    RSS Feed

Phone : 469.233.5566
Email :
PKChafetz@gmail.com
Paul K. Chafetz, PhD: Clinical Psychologist, Psychotherapist
Office Location: 8340 Meadow Rd., #134, Dallas, TX  75231