“In human relationships, kindness and lies are worth a thousand truths.”  - Graham Greene
 
Children of difficult older parents should not let a naive commitment to total honesty blind them to the difficult person’s emotional idiosyncrasies or brain disease-induced cognitive impairment.

A person with a personality disorder or dementia cannot consistently acknowledge the truth, respect facts, and obey the rules of logic, because their internal life is ruled by their emotions or by damaged brain circuits. Since they are not constrained by the truth, you also must be free to bend the truth when necessary for their and your wellbeing. Appropriately bending the truth to reduce the person’s resistance to necessary care is called the “therapeutic fib.”   

For example, imagine that your mother with clearly documented dementia insists that you give her the car keys or take her to get her license renewed. Mom wants to have access to driving, but she needs to not have access to driving.

It is totally loving and appropriate to tell a small untruth about the car being “in the shop waiting for incredibly expensive repairs,” or “the computer system at the department of motor vehicles is broken, so they can’t process renewals now.”  When mom asks, “When will this get fixed?” your answer should be vague. You’ll say, “Soon, I hope.” Or, perhaps you’ll say that the doctor says she can’t drive. When mom asks, “For how long?” you’ll answer, “Just for now, until you get better.” “Well, when is that going to be?” You’ll say, “Soon, I hope.” For now and soon are very useful answers in many situations, because they keep hope alive. For now and soon are therapeutic fibs.

If these words shock you, you are not the first. My patients often respond, “You’re just teaching me to manipulate my parent! Isn’t this just lying?!”
​
I think not. I call it influence, and I like to assume that everyone’s motivation for providing feedback or input to others is benign or even constructive and loving. When the person in question is unable to make appropriate use of honest feedback, the legitimate, loving, and more effective approach is to finesse them, through such strategies as the therapeutic fib, into behaving more wisely.
​
I believe that good people who view the situation impartially would all agree with the wholesomeness of this approach.
​

In our digital age, submitting a comment, a request, or a review generally involves typing our words into a “message” field on a company’s website.   We can type any words we like in that box.  Luckily, nothing we type means a thing until we hit “send.”  Before sending, we have time to complain, criticize, and condemn, then calm down, compose, and clarify.  By the time we hit “send,” though, we had better be clear about our meaning and committed to our message, because the message cannot be un-sent.

I believe that each of us continually sends messages out to everyone we encounter.  We do it with our actions, our grooming, our wardrobe, our face, our words, and our tone. 

Is our message optimistic or not? Is it open, friendly, and welcoming or not?  Does it reflect genuine interested or not?  Does it prove us to be honest, ethical, and reliable or not?  Does it reflect that we are well-rounded, or focused on one area of life at the unfortunate expense of other important areas?

Of all the fields on the website of our life, surely the contents of our message field will have more impact and be remembered by more people than our home address and even our name.  After our death, what will people find that they can learn from our life? What will be our legacy, our guiding principle, and the lesson of our life?  Near or after life’s end is too late to establish the answers to these questions.  It will be hard to overcome the impressions we gave every day for the decades of our life.  Our daily messages cannot be un-sent.

The time to compose and send the message we want to be associated with us and our memory is today!

At this festive time of year, expectations run high.  Fueled by memories of “the good old days” and idyllic scenes from TV commercials, our hopes are raised for holiday gatherings full of pleasant interactions with loving and approving friends and family.  We will surely feel connected, loved, welcomed, and validated.

    In reality, however, not every relative is delightful, not every child is successful, not every loved one is in good health, not every gathering is joyous, not every family is harmonious, and not every dinner table conversation is constructive.  Not every heart will be content.  When any aspect of our personal holiday picture is badly broken, our heartache fills our screen.  The pain runs deep, and life seems simply awful.  

    However, here is what I have learned from my career as a psychologist.  Whatever our age, as painful as our personal situation may be, it could be much worse.  This vital truth should be recognized as a compelling reason for each of us to be extremely grateful.  Let me illustrate.

1.    Some of my older patients are lonely and sad because they have too little family.  Perhaps they have just one or two children, but the children are both far away. The holidays are too quiet for comfort.  Some of my older patients have a large family, but their own kids are estranged or have passed away with no spouses or children, leaving my patients feeling bereft even while sitting among siblings and their children. 

2.    Some of my older patients actually have too much family.  There are so many households in the clan that it is impossible to coordinate as much together time as the patient used to have when there were fewer spouses and in-laws.  The result is a trail of hurt feelings as adult children make difficult choices about distributing their time among parents during the holidays.  The amount of intimate family time pales compared to the past.  Some of my patients have open conflict with their in-laws, that is, the parents of their children’s spouses.  If their children are emotionally closer to other side, there are always hurt feelings.

3.    Some of my older patients have recently lost their spouse to death, so this is their first Christmas without their spouse.  After any loss, every “first” is very hard.  The grief is continually refreshed as if brand new.  This is exhausting.

4.    Some of older patients have recently placed their spouse in a dementia care facility.  Just as in the case of losing the spouse to death, this is their first Christmas without their spouse by their side.  After any loss, every “first” is very hard.  The grief is continually refreshed as if brand new.  

5.    Some of my older patients themselves have new illness or impairment, so they cannot prepare for Christmas as they could before.  They are no longer able to cook, decorate, entertain, or travel as in past years.  This makes them feel sad, or sometimes resentful, guilty, or embarrassed.

6.    Some of my older patients have elderly siblings or friends who live 1500 miles away, and both are too ill to travel and see each other one more time before someone passes away.  Both sadly know they will probably never see each other again.

    If any of the above examples does not describe your situation, you have a reason to be thankful!  Would you trade your situation for (another) one from this list?  In fact, perhaps some people would happily trade situations with you.  I am confident that many people, if they knew you through and through, would envy your situation in life.  They have troubles, too, I promise.  They probably do not broadcast this fact, which is why we must all be careful to never compare our insides with other people’s outsides.

    So, let us all strive to have realistic expectations of ourselves, our lives, our mood, and the behavior of those we love.  We all have much to be thankful for, and I urge everyone to give that side of our lives its fair share of attention at this special season.  Practice faith that all is for the good, and that these are the good old days!

Don't have time to read this weeks blog? You can listen to Dr. Paul by clicking play in the button below.

There are a wide variety of difficult parent situations, and several ways to describe that variety.  One way to categorize them is by the blood relationship between the older parent and the CODOP (Child of a Difficult Older Parent).  A second way is by the longevity of the situation.  A third way is by behavior pattern.  In my experience, the vast majority of difficult parent situations fall into one of what I call the “classic six” difficult parent scenarios, and each is distinguished by a core difficult behavior.  They are:
​
1. Intrusiveness
2. Laziness
3. Blaming, critical
4. Dishonesty 
5. Irresponsibility
6. The innocent façade

Let’s address the first two scenarios in this post, along with the key response tools that I recommend to adult CODOPs.  We’ll address the remaining four in future posts.

INTRUSIVENESS refers to the parent who arrives at your home or office uninvited and then stays too long, ignoring normal social indicators that their visit is ill-timed.  They may phone you too often, and routinely try to pry into your private topics during conversation.  They show up at your kids’ sports events and push their way into your conversations with your friends. 

The main tool for CODOPs in this scenario is managing boundaries assertively.  A boundary is a rule about what contact with us, or access to us, we allow another person to have. Boundaries should be consciously designed, implemented, and enforced.  Assertive individuals communicate clearly to others, through word and deed, what they want for themselves and what they expect of others, as well as what they are and are not willing to do.     

LAZINESS refers to the parent who is needy yet uncooperative. In many instances, they warrant the label of a “help-rejecting complainer.”  They neglect the management of themselves and their home.  When the CODOP generously tries to help in these tasks, the parent is passively obstructionist and unappreciative.  The CODOP’s help is blocked or undone, and the complaining continues.

The main tools for CODOPs in this scenario are becoming a smarter fish, understanding the meaning of honoring parents, and understanding authority vs. responsibility.  

Becoming a smarter fish is my description of learning to ignore inaccurate or provocative questions, accusations, or statements. I help CODOPs learn this. 

The Bible’s fifth commandment, “Honor your father and mother,” according to most biblical interpreters, does require that the adult child see to the parent’s basic physical needs (food, clothing, shelter, etc.), but it does not require that the adult child love or like the parent, and it does not require that the adult child obey every wish of the parent or submit to abuse of any kind.  The CODOP’s highest goal should be protecting the parent’s safety and dignity, not necessarily their happiness.  

Responsibility refers to doing the work, putting in one's own money, time, or effort, and generally "carrying the load" for a certain project, such as caring for an impaired relative.  Authority is the privilege to make and enforce decisions about the project at hand.   If you are ever asked to accept, or have the thought on your own to take, responsibility for a project that you are not also given adequate authority to complete, my advice is, don’t!

Don’t miss my upcoming posts for discussion of the remaining four classic six difficult parent scenarios.

This past weekend, I was a panelist on the topic, “Boomerang Kids,” at the “Sandwich Generation Forum” organized by News Radio 1080 KRLD.  My co-panelist was Dallas financial planner, Erin Botsford.  At the day-long forum, the 200+ attendees from the public heard presentations on legal, financial, medical, and emotional aspects of being middle aged with responsibilities for both older and younger relatives.

On my website, PaulKChafetz.com, the consistently most visited page is about boomerang kids.  We all know the phenomenon has become more common since the depression of 2008.  No surprise, then, that our panel presentation was well attended and well received.  I want to share the main points I made to the group.

1. Young adults age 18-24 are far more likely to move back in with family than those 25-29 y.o. or 30-34 y.o.
2.  Only for the youngest (18-24 y.o.) are economics the main reason for their return home.
3. Rates of returning home show no difference across genders, races, or income levels.
4. Among the people living in these multigenerational homes, 70% are quite satisfied with the arrangement.  In only 18% do they report damage to the parent-child relationship.  I liken boomerang to divorce.  That is, it is not an ideal to which anyone strives, but it need not be a fatal catastrophe, and it is often a perfectly livable arrangement that allows life to go on quite satisfactorily for many people.

Of course, there are some truly unpleasant boomerang situations out there.  So, I shared with the audience my list of SEVEN CORE SKILLS FOR PARENTS UNHAPPY WITH THEIR BOOMERANG CHILD SITUATION.

First, be clear about the meaning of the word “love.”  I contend that love is a commitment to work for the continuing healthy development of another human being.  It is not a commitment to their pleasure and comfort.  It means helping the world teach the young adult child the many lessons about life.  These deal primarily with maturely and constructively managing oneself, one’s time, one’s money, one’s words, one’s relationships, and one’s health.

Second, learn assertiveness.  That is, avoid both passivity and aggressiveness, and use words to communicate with others and to be known to them.  Always speak both clearly and firmly, and respectfully and constructively.

Third, learn how to set goals, boundaries, deadlines, and limits (on dollars, on duration, on delays).

Fourth, link (a) the rewards and support the parent provides the boomerang kid to (b) the kid’s performance and cooperation.  This vital step gives meaning to the parent’s words.

Fifth, parents must learn to tolerate necessary distress, in their kids and in themselves.  If the parent is squeamish about this, then their compassion for the adult child becomes enabling, as the parent shields the child excessively from the real world.  Parents who enable often . . . 

- Don’t charge rent
- Let him be awake all night and asleep all day.
- Buy his groceries or cook his food.
- Wash and fold his laundry
- Clean his bathroom and make his bed
- Pay his tuition even though he doesn’t go to class
- Pay for his car, gas, car repairs.  

Sixth, parents should mobilize their own network of friends and relatives, to get the support they need to tackle their situation.  They should network by letting their friends and family know of the new structures they are creating at home.

Finally, if these steps prove too hard alone, parents should consult a professional.
​
I send my thanks to KRLD for bringing us this meaningful event.

Have you said “aah” lately?  I hope so. Think of a cool drink on a hot day. Everyone knows that “aah” means happiness, relief, pleasure, and comfort.  I propose that AAH is actually an acronym, an abbreviation for (trust me here) “ask for and accept help.”  Of course!  What brings happiness, relief, pleasure, and comfort better than asking for and accepting help?  Not much! 

​Why are so many people reluctant to ask for help?  Here in Texas, probably all over America, there is a widespread ethos of rugged self-reliance, which holds that an honorable person takes full responsibility for himself, endures stoically the consequences of his own decisions, and views asking for help as weakness or failure. 

It is certainly desirable that everyone dig deeply into themselves for courage, perseverance, effort, and skill to move their life forward. It is also desirable that everyone contributes to society rather than mooches off of the labor and kindness of others.  At the same time, though, we know that life often hands people extraordinary challenges that quickly overwhelm their normal coping resources.  Is it good for society for that person to crash and burn?  Is it honorable to let unfortunate circumstances grind us down, and move us from strained to crushed?  I don’t think so.

Regardless of a general ethos of rugged self-reliance, there are circumstances in which good sense requires asking for and accepting help.  That is, the rules change!  To adhere to the usual rule when the rules should change is stubborn, unwise, selfish, and self-destructive.  It is easy to be too proud.  This truth is universally recognized, as contained in adages such as, “If you want to go fast, go alone, but if you want to go far, go together,” "It takes a village,” or “There, but for the grace of G-d, go I.” 

When you get a toothache, do you (a) do your own dental work, or (b) visit a dentist?   When you or a loved one is suffering acute or prolonged emotional upset, do you (a) Google it, or (b) consult a psychologist?  If a loved one is hospitalized, do you (a) keep it a secret, or (b) let your friends know so they can help you with emotional and practical support? 

I support option “b” in all such cases.  To reach “a-a-h!,” remember to ask for and accept help.  It will be good for you, good for those who help you, and good for your community.

​Every American knows that our Declaration of Independence was signed on July 4, 1776.  How many Americans alive today, however, have actually read this magnificent document as an adult?  I have a long habit of reading it every July 4th, usually also imposing on people around me to listen as I read it out loud.  Few of them have read or heard it before, and few who hear it are not moved by the experience. 
 
Despite my long history of this practice, I only recently realized that the document is also a virtually perfect example of what we psychologists and psychotherapists call assertiveness.  As you know, passive behavior is designed to please others, but leaves the individual disrespected, poorly treated, and resentful.  Aggressive behavior is designed to dominate others, but leaves the individual disliked and perhaps ashamed or regretful. Assertiveness occupies the “sweet spot” between passivity and aggressiveness.  Assertive behavior is designed to communicate and build healthy connections between people.  Assertive people communicate both clearly and firmly, and respectfully and constructively.  Assertive communication informs the world what the individual wants and likes, and doesn’t want or like, what the individual is and is not willing to do.  The assertive person can state, when appropriate, that, “It is not my turn, not my fault, and not my problem.”
 
In total consonance with the above description of assertive behavior, The Declaration of Independence begins with an explanation that, since the colonies are undertaking such a momentous step, “a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them…”  In other words, they wanted to communicate, to be known and understood by the world.
 
The text continues to state the colonies’ core philosophy which underlay their decision.  “We hold these truths to be self-evident: That all men are created equal,” etc.
 
Next, the founders detailed 27 different types of unacceptable behavior which the colonies had endured at the hands of the King of England, such as “He has erected a multitude of new offices, and sent hither swarms of officers to harass our people and eat out their substance,” and “He has plundered our seas, ravaged our coasts, burned our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.”
 
Then follows their logical conclusion, namely, “A prince, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.”
 
Finally, powerfully, and dramatically, the founders state in clear terms what decision they have reached about their own actions.  “..appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intention,” and “in the name and by the authority of the good people of these colonies,” they “solemnly publish and declare, that these United Colonies are, and of right ought to be, free and independent states,” etc., and they “mutually pledge to each other our lives, our fortunes, and our sacred honor.” 
 
Note that the founders ask permission of no one to take this monumental step, and they demand no action from others.  They are simply communicating, clearly and firmly, and respectfully and constructively.  I believe that no psychologist could write a more perfect example of assertiveness.  It makes me both proud and humble, as a psychologist, to be an American and an heir to this brilliance.
 
I urge you to use the link below to download the entire text, and read it aloud with your friends and family as you celebrate Independence Day this year.  Let me know what reaction you get!
 
 
http://www.archives.gov/exhibits/charters/declaration_transcript.html

Fathers have a powerful and lasting impact on the psychological development of their children, cognitively, emotionally, and interpersonally.   Father’s Day is a beautiful occasion for honoring fathers who parented in a healthy way.  What exactly are the gifts imparted by healthy fathering, and what are the wounds inflicted by unhealthy fathering?*  Let’s looks at three aspects of this.

1. Children whose fathers were involved, nurturing, and playful have higher IQs, start school more academically ready, are more patient, and can handle the stresses of schooling more readily than children with less involved fathers.  In adolescence, they have better verbal skills, intellectual functioning, and academic achievement. 

In contrast, children of fathers who are unavailable, inattentive, or unkind perform worse academically and intellectually.

2. Children who have an involved father are more likely to be emotionally secure, feel confident to explore their surroundings, and, as they grow older, have better social connections with peers. They are less likely to get into trouble at home, at school, or in the neighborhood, and are more sociable and popular with other children throughout early childhood.

Fathers generally do more stimulating, playful activity with children than do mothers.  From these interactions, children learn how to control their feelings and behavior.  Fathers often push achievement, independence, and an interest in the outside world, while mothers stress nurturing, both of which are important to healthy development.  As a result, children who grow up with involved fathers are more comfortable exploring the world around them and more likely to exhibit self-control and healthy social behavior.

Children with good relationships with their fathers are less likely to experience depression, to exhibit disruptive behavior, or to lie.  Boys with involved fathers have fewer school behavior problems and girls have stronger self-esteem.  Children who live with their fathers are more likely to have good physical and emotional health, to achieve academically, and to avoid drugs, violence, and delinquent behavior.

​In contrast, children of fathers who are unavailable, inattentive, or unkind often grow into adults who lack self-esteem, social skills, self-control, and emotional resilience.

3. Fathers influence their children dramatically through the quality of their relationship with the mother of their children.  Fathers who have a good relationship with the mother of their children are usually more involved and spend more time with their children, and have children who are psychologically and emotionally healthier. Similarly, mothers who feels affirmed by her children’s father and who have a happy relationship are often better mothers.

A positive relationship between mother and father provides vital modeling for children. Fathers who treat the mothers of their children with respect and deal with conflict within the relationship in an adult and appropriate manner are more likely to have boys who understand how they are to treat women, and who are less likely to act aggressively toward females. Girls with involved, respectful fathers see how they should expect men to treat them, and are less likely to become involved in violent or unhealthy relationships.

In contrast, research has shown that husbands who display anger, show contempt for, or who stonewall their wives (i.e., “the silent treatment”) are more likely to have children who are anxious, withdrawn, or antisocial, and who as adults lack self-esteem, social skills, and emotional resilience, and have more difficulty establishing and maintaining healthy marriages themselves.

THE BOTTOM LINE
​
Father’s Day is a pleasure for those whose father was loving, but a pain in the heart of those whose father was disappointing.  A small but real percentage of today’s older adults were or are not good parents to their now adult children.  For these adult sons and daughters, my CODOP (Children of Difficult Older Parents) program offers concepts, insights, and skills for overcoming the challenges of relating to their parents today.  If you are, or know, a child of a difficult older parent, I hope you will connect with me about how to join our community.  It is free of charge, and I am confident that it will prove valuable to participants.  Just give me a call, or use the contact page on this website.  Learn to effectively love your hard to love parent.  I look forward to hearing from you.
 
*The material about healthy fathering presented here is drawn liberally from: https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubPDFs/fatherhood.pdf