We all know lots of people. I bet you have over a thousand email contacts. I bet there are hundreds of people whom you know by name or by face. We automatically form beliefs about the world in general, about all people, based on what we personally see or hear happening in the specific individual lives of people we know. We don’t question our generalizations. But, often, our experiences and observations are more the exception than the rule, so our beliefs about “typical” are just wrong. The antidote to this is scientific research, that is, research that studies large numbers of people, in groupings that are carefully selected to reflect the whole population, and measured with unbiased measurement methods. This is what psychology provides us. There are many myths about later life, most of them unpleasant. The truth, however, is much more positive. For example, retirement is NOT bad for your health! In the past, various studies of the effects of retirement on health had shown positive effects, negative effects, or no effects. The very best study is the GAZEL occupational cohort study, published in 2010. This longitudinal study in France enrolled 20,624 employees (73% men) initially aged 35-50 y.o., and followed their health status annually for 15 years. The results show clearly that the prevalence of lung disease, diabetes, heart disease, and stroke, are all completely unaffected by retirement. In contrast, mental fatigue, physical fatigue, and depression all improved on average with retirement. In fact, overall, psychological research has shown absolutely that NORMAL AGING is SUCCESSFUL AGING. Despite the stereotypes, the jokes, and the fears, older adults are generally content, capable and connected. They are content in that they generally complete their transitions completely, and report good morale and emotional wellbeing, despite higher rates of medical difficulties. They are capable in that their intellectual abilities are only slightly below that of people in their fifties. They are connected in that the vast majority of them are in frequent contact with at least one close relative on a frequent basis. The improved life expectancy of babies in the 20th century has created far more years of shared adulthood between today’s elderly and their adult children. Of course, the averages provide only a shred of guidance for what we can expect as individuals. There are always those unusually lucky and unlucky people whose experience is anything but typical. Each of us must craft our own strategy for success in life, all the way to the end. If I can help you do this, just let me know.
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I was recently interviewed by a large magazine on the topic of the stress of big birthdays. The contributing editor and I had a delightful conversation, in which I actually disagreed with most of the premises of his questions.
When he asked about “stress,” I explained that this term is over-used, and blocks recognition of how lucky we are that life is often challenging. The demands of living energize and focus us to try harder, think deeper and smarter, and resist distractions. And to his question on “aging,” I explained that time is flying past for everyone, and our path through our years is better termed “growing” than aging. To his question about “youth oriented culture,” I explained that this is classic cherry picking. That is, people past age 50 might envy the physical strength and beauty of the 25 year old, but no one would want to give up the skill, wisdom, financial stability, or joy of parenthood that hopefully come with middle age. When he asked about the “shock” that might come from turning 40, 50, or 65, I said it is a blessing to be roused from the slumber of daily routine, and prodded to take a deeper look at what we are, what we want, how we are living, and where we want to go with the rest of our days. In reply to what about a “crisis” caused by hitting a big birthday, I explained that we are all constantly in transition from our most recent micro-stage of life, and into our next. Therefore, we are constantly negotiating the three frontiers inherent in every transition: processing the emotions, identifying the new skills required, and doing the work to master those skills. Our job is to grow our way through life, by constantly learning. Get to work! When you and a friend are talking with each other, what portion of the time should you speak, and what portion of the time should they speak? How long should you speak before “handing the microphone” back to your friend, and how can you know when to make this hand-off? If you are keeping the microphone too long, how should your friend go about trying to get the microphone back? “Conversation” means, at its root, “turning about together.” Does this describe your conversations?
Listening comes naturally for some people, but not at all for others. Is it possible that you are known as a person who is not a good listener? If you are a confident talker who enjoys sharing your thoughts with others, how can you make sure that you are an equally skilled listener? Here are a half-dozen ways for you to improve your listening skills. #1 Always look at the person you’re speaking with. Vital ancillary messages will be sent your way nonverbally, through your friend’s posture, facial expression, etc. #2 When you are talking, if you see your friend open their mouth, this means they want to say something. A bad listener will reject this cue and intentionally “hog the microphone” by speaking louder and faster. Bad idea! Instead, take the hint to “hand back the microphone” right away. #3 When your friend is talking, let them finish their thought before voicing your comments. Show your respect for them by letting them finish their own sentences! To finish another person’s sentences is called interrupting, and it is a bad habit. Who are you to assume that you know what they are about to tell you? #4 When they reach a stopping point, request the “microphone” through a visible gesture. It could be opening your mouth, raising a hand or finger, or a facial expression. #5 When you receive back the “microphone,” first acknowledge what your friend last said. “That’s a good point.” “I hear you.” “You’re right.” “No, what I meant is ….” If you simply continue your previous line of speech as though they had never spoken, your friend will feel invisible, left wondering if you heard or valued their words at all. #6 Think of your turn with the “microphone” an opportunity to speak a sentence or a short paragraph, not an essay, a book chapter, or a book. In brief: Look, share, wait, request, acknowledge, think. These are important listening skills. Let me know how these work for you. In the last 48 hours, have you said “aah”? I hope you have. Think of a cool drink on a hot day. Even my 14 month old grand-daughter knows that “aah ” means happiness, relief, pleasure, and comfort. Do you know what “a-a-h” stands for? I didn’t know either, until it came to me just a few days ago. It stands for (and I’ll stick by this forever) “ask for and accept help.” Of course! What brings happiness, relief, pleasure, and comfort better than asking for and accepting help? Not much! Why are so many people reluctant to do so? Here in Texas, probably all over America, there is a widespread ethos of rugged self-reliance, which holds that an honorable person takes full responsibility for himself, endures stoically the consequences of his own decisions, and views asking for help as weakness or failure. I certainly agree that it is desirable that everyone dig deeply into themselves for courage, perseverance, effort, and skill to move their life forward, and contribute to society rather than drain it of resources. At the same time, we know that life often hands people extraordinary challenges that quickly overwhelm our normal coping resources. Is it good for society for that person to crash and burn? Is it honorable to let unfortunate circumstances grind us down from strained to crushed? I don’t think so. Regardless of a general ethos of rugged self-reliance, there are circumstances in which good judgment requires asking for and accepting help. That is, the rules change! To adhere to the usual rule when the rules should change is stubborn, unwise, selfish, and self-destructive. This truth is widely represented in adages such as, “If you want to go fast, go alone, but if you want to go far, go together,” "It takes a village,” or “ There, but for the grace of G-d, go I.” When you get a toothache, do you do your own dental work, or visit a dentist? When you or a loved one is suffering acute or prolonged emotional upset, do you Google it, or consult a psychologist? To reach “a-a-h!,” remember to ask for and accept help. Ask your dentist, your doctor, your car mechanic, or your financial advisor. They’ll all tell you that it is essential, a “no brainer,” to check on the health of your teeth, your body, your engine, and your portfolio, on a regular basis, to make sure that any problem is detected and addressed as early as possible. Shouldn’t it be obvious that our own emotional health and that of our loved ones deserve the same attention? Regular annual mental health check-ups are becoming the “new dental hygiene visit” of this savvy generation of adults and parents. One in four people will have a mental disorder at some point in their life. Earlier identification offers the chance to intervene and limit the progression of the disorder, and limit the disruption to the person’s functioning and development, thus improving their life in many ways. Regular annual mental health check-ups are also valuable as opportunities to identify and learn the skills we need to more easily succeed at upcoming transitions in life. Prevention, preparation, identification, remediation. All accomplished in a painless, routine mental health check-up with your mental health professional. If you don’t want to take the time to visit your professional every year, you should at least do a self-assessment of your mental health. I have created a tool that will allow you to do this. Take a look at SELF-ASSESSMENT FOR ADULTS: HOW AM I DOING PSYCHOLOGICALLY? Survey. After you answer the 20 simple questions, your results will come to me, and I will call you to schedule a complementary, confidential office visit to review your results. May is mental health month. Before the month is up, give yourself the gift of a little attention to your, and your loved ones’, mental health. Please call me with any questions. As a psychologist, I believe that we grow our way through life, and we do it in stages, which are somewhat uniform across individuals. Stages are bridged by transitions, and transitions between stages have similar features. Selling one’s business, the product of decades of one’s personal investment of creativity, time, passion, fortune, sacrifice, identity, integrity, etc., is obviously a monumental transition in life. Yet, it still consists of the same psychological tasks as every other transition in life, however small. First, the emotional aspects often include, for example, grief over the loss of pleasant parts of the past, and joy over the anticipated gains and reward that lie ahead. Second, the intellectual aspect refers to the fact that the new stage will require us to learn new skills. Think of skills like toileting, homework, safe sex, keeping a job, or planning a kid’s wedding. We are always breaking new ground, and hopefully have some guidance from those who have gone through it before us. Third, the behavioral aspect consists of the real time and focused effort that must be spent to successfully transition.
It is vital that any business owner engaged in selling his business understand this basic three part anatomy of life stage transitions. It is but one of several concepts and skills what can help the business seller create a smooth and successful transition to his “afterlife.” The successful businessman has demonstrated to the world that he has outstanding business skills. But how skilled is he in other areas of life? How developed are his personal relationship skills, and his leisure skills? How well rounded is he as a person? His business is profitable and stable. Can the same be said for his marriage and his children’s development? Does he have hobbies? Can he dance, or ski, or play bridge? When did he last read a novel, or take a vacation? Does he know his neighbors, or go to church regularly? How often does he laugh? Could he happily spend a week in the mountains with his family?
Ironically, successful businessmen are often quite lopsided in their skill set. On the one hand, it might seem just fine to be skilled in business but less so in personal life. After all, the money is coming in, the owner and his family members all have a stable routine. The owner is enjoying the stimulation, challenge, and prestige of his daily work life. Everyone in his family is fed, clothed, housed, educated, etc. Since running the business is so rewarding, why rock the boat? Why fix what isn’t broken? On the other hand, though, businessmen achieve success by being realistic about the world, clear- and open-eyed about trends, about the future, and about known patterns in the world. Isn’t it obvious to the owner that, with the passing years, there will be changes in his abilities, his needs, his desires? How can a practical, realistic person like a business owner fall victim to an illusion of immortality or to an illusion of an eternal present situation? Further, even when the owner does start to realize that selling the business and moving on to the next stage of their life (which business brokers like to call “the afterlife”) should happen sooner than later, why do many of them do such a poor job of diversifying their skill set and creating a updated fabric of healthy relationships and challenging activities that will give meaning, purpose, significance to every day? When this task is not accomplished, the afterlife generally proves truly painful. The name for this challenge, this task, is “psychological readiness to sell.” Business owners are a breed of their own. One characteristic of business owners is that their identity is closely tied to their business. Most working adults derive much of their identity from their work, but business owners put this approach onto steroids. While many men, in particular, feel that they are their job, business owners feel that they are their business. Since they identify with their business so completely, they gauge their sense of success, worth, and significance as a person by the success, worth, and significance of their business. It is not mysterious at all that a business owner loves running his business. Paid work in general, and far more so running one’s own profitable business, is an amazingly good way to meet many powerful, universal psychological needs. Tripp Braden lists a few of these: · Being the ‘boss’ · Having control over one’s destiny · Achieving personal goals through the business creation process · Enjoyment of influencing and empowering others · Personal wealth creation (Salary, equity, and the business pays a lot of personal expenses!) · Personal guarantees tied to business loans · Personal promises and contracts made with co-owners and partners · Recognition as a ‘a successful owner’ in one’s community How do you view yours? The departure of the final child from the house is a major change in a parent’s life. For most, the empty nest is the beginning of a time of freedom, wellbeing and financial growth.
However, for some parents it can become a time of marital strife, boredom, purposelessness and depression. The empty nest can be a time when relationships grow, old talents are found again and parents become coaches and mentors for their children rather than decision makers and financiers. If you think you may be suffering from the symptoms of empty nest syndrome, discussing these difficulties during this life transition you are experiencing can help you understand how to deal with empty nest syndrome. It will help you prepare for or overcome empty nest syndrome and allow you to enjoy facing a new phase of your life. Who retires? Of course, it is OLDER adults. And, we all know that America is getting older. Indeed, the percentage of Americans that is 65+ has risen dramatically, from 4% in 1900, to over 13% today. We often hear and read that “people are living longer.” So, let me ask you, what does this mean? Which people are living longer? Longer than whom? Longer than when? And furthermore, why is anyone living longer? In short, why do we have so many older people today? Most people believe that the change is largely due to modern medicine keeping old people alive longer than was possible decades ago. This is a misconception. The truth is that the major increase in the percentage of Americans that is 65+ is the result of two, huge, historically unique events: (1) epidemiological shift helped babies born in the early 20th century survive in record numbers, then, (2) into this new world of fewer early deaths arrived, coincidentally, this huge generation, the baby boomers, who were handed a clear path to living well into late life. And THAT is why we now have so many old people today! How does one grow into retirement? How can you make full use of this opportunity, and renew yourself? The key to contentment in retirement is to engineer meaning. In my opinion, this is done by creating an updated fabric of activities and relationships that gives meaning to every day. Something has meaning when it matters, when it makes a difference, because it stands for something outside itself, it embodies a value you hold most dear. Your days will be meaningful and your actions will be meaningful, if you spend your time and energy changing your little corner of the world in a direction consistent with your values.
I challenge you (actually, I am simply putting into words the challenge that the industrial revolutions of the 1800s have posed to us all) to begin finding the words that capture your core values, as well as the activities and relationships that give meaning to your every day. What will replace your career as the foundation for your life satisfaction and your self-esteem? Your answers to these questions will be the key to your future happiness. Growing Into Retirement If your co-workers threw you a retirement party THIS AFTERNOON, and gave your job to someone else starting Monday, how long would it take for you to be bored to tears, hating to see the sun come up on yet another day? If you could retire tomorrow, would you be ready? As the developer of the “Grow Into It”™ Retirement Preparation Workshop, I want to suggest to you that you start your planning right now. You can design your successful retirement in three steps: 1. Know yourself 2. Know your tasks and 3. Make a plan. Then, just IMPLEMENT your plan! The secret to psychological success in retirement is to GROW INTO IT™ by creating an updated fabric of activities and relationships that gives meaning to every day. If this seems too simple, good! Don’t worry, the details will prove fascinating, challenging, and worthwhile. If this feels relevant to your life, call me! November 19, 2014 |
Dr. Chafetz“My passion is ensuring that every adult is mentally ready to succeed in all transitions that comprise the adult years. The meaning in my life comes from helping my patients see themselves, their situation, their future, and the entire world with new eyes and a newly courageous attitude. |