Boomerang Adult Children
The Challenge
Two adult generations can certainly live healthily in the same household. Consider the well-functioning middle aged adults living with frail older parents in order to help the parents, or young adults still living with their middle aged parents until they marry or establish their first career.
In the boomerang situation I encounter in my practice, however, well-functioning older parents have an apparently healthy middle aged child living in their home. The move-in, which generally followed a career, marital, or financial failure, was initially envisioned as temporary, but became chronic and open ended.
The parents are unhappy because this middle aged boomerang child is minimally productive, typically unemployed and not effectively seeking advancement. He or she is often poorly behaved, described as disrespectful, difficult, unreliable, dishonest, sneaky, self-indulgent, lazy, or manipulative. They make little financial contribution to the household. Even helpful behaviors that were once promised, such as housekeeping, rarely happen.
The parent frequently requests or demands more responsible behavior from the child, to which the child responds with angry and disrespectful words, accusations, and stonewalling. Significant arguments may ensue. Although frustrated, angry, and hurt, the parents ultimately drop their demands, and no one’s behavior changes.
These parents lack key skills, which luckily are quite learnable.
The Solution
In Part 1 of this post, “Boomerang Adult Children: The Challenge,” I described the scenario of well-functioning older parents housing apparently healthy yet lower functioning middle age children. I suggested that the parents can improve their skills for influencing these adult children to live up to their potential. Here are the skills.
1. The first is recognizing that a parent’s job includes preparing children to survive on their own in the real world. This is a profound task, the outcome of which will affect generations to come. This requires learning to tolerate the unavoidable distress in their children and themselves.
2. Second is realizing that they have the tools for changing their children's behavior right at hand. Heretofore, the parents used only their own words (demands and reasoning), not their actions (consequences behind their words). As a result, the child was free to disregard the parents' words completely. .
3. Parents then create two lists. The first is the behaviors that the parents want the child to exhibit (such as looking for employment, keeping appropriate sleep and waking hours, paying rent, helping with housework, and eliminating disrespectful speech), and the second is the various comforts and pleasures the parent has been providing to the child (such as shelter, food, a car, money, phone, internet, computer, etc.).
4. The next step is making the continued provision of their various forms of support and comfort to the child CONTINGENT UPON the child behaving as requested. In this way, the parents' words acquire true meaning. The parent learns to cooperate with the child only to the extent that the child cooperates with the parent!
5. Parents learn to maintain a very calm manner and loving tone. The linkage of child behavior and parental assistance does away with any need for argument or unpleasantness. The new structure puts the child's fortunes in his own hands; he will have only himself to blame or credit for the outcome.
With these new skills, many “reluctant landlord” parents have helped their boomerang children re-launch into independent adulthood. This is a pleasure to behold.
For further reading on this topic, please see:
http://www.tellinitlikeitis.net/2010/03/boomerang-kids-how-to-kick-grown-adult-children-out-of-the-house.html
Two adult generations can certainly live healthily in the same household. Consider the well-functioning middle aged adults living with frail older parents in order to help the parents, or young adults still living with their middle aged parents until they marry or establish their first career.
In the boomerang situation I encounter in my practice, however, well-functioning older parents have an apparently healthy middle aged child living in their home. The move-in, which generally followed a career, marital, or financial failure, was initially envisioned as temporary, but became chronic and open ended.
The parents are unhappy because this middle aged boomerang child is minimally productive, typically unemployed and not effectively seeking advancement. He or she is often poorly behaved, described as disrespectful, difficult, unreliable, dishonest, sneaky, self-indulgent, lazy, or manipulative. They make little financial contribution to the household. Even helpful behaviors that were once promised, such as housekeeping, rarely happen.
The parent frequently requests or demands more responsible behavior from the child, to which the child responds with angry and disrespectful words, accusations, and stonewalling. Significant arguments may ensue. Although frustrated, angry, and hurt, the parents ultimately drop their demands, and no one’s behavior changes.
These parents lack key skills, which luckily are quite learnable.
The Solution
In Part 1 of this post, “Boomerang Adult Children: The Challenge,” I described the scenario of well-functioning older parents housing apparently healthy yet lower functioning middle age children. I suggested that the parents can improve their skills for influencing these adult children to live up to their potential. Here are the skills.
1. The first is recognizing that a parent’s job includes preparing children to survive on their own in the real world. This is a profound task, the outcome of which will affect generations to come. This requires learning to tolerate the unavoidable distress in their children and themselves.
2. Second is realizing that they have the tools for changing their children's behavior right at hand. Heretofore, the parents used only their own words (demands and reasoning), not their actions (consequences behind their words). As a result, the child was free to disregard the parents' words completely. .
3. Parents then create two lists. The first is the behaviors that the parents want the child to exhibit (such as looking for employment, keeping appropriate sleep and waking hours, paying rent, helping with housework, and eliminating disrespectful speech), and the second is the various comforts and pleasures the parent has been providing to the child (such as shelter, food, a car, money, phone, internet, computer, etc.).
4. The next step is making the continued provision of their various forms of support and comfort to the child CONTINGENT UPON the child behaving as requested. In this way, the parents' words acquire true meaning. The parent learns to cooperate with the child only to the extent that the child cooperates with the parent!
5. Parents learn to maintain a very calm manner and loving tone. The linkage of child behavior and parental assistance does away with any need for argument or unpleasantness. The new structure puts the child's fortunes in his own hands; he will have only himself to blame or credit for the outcome.
With these new skills, many “reluctant landlord” parents have helped their boomerang children re-launch into independent adulthood. This is a pleasure to behold.
For further reading on this topic, please see:
http://www.tellinitlikeitis.net/2010/03/boomerang-kids-how-to-kick-grown-adult-children-out-of-the-house.html
