CODOP SIX-PACK: THE “CLASSIC SIX” DIFFICULT PARENT SCENARIOS

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There are a wide variety of difficult parent situations, and several ways to describe that variety.  One way to categorize them is by the blood relationship between the older parent and the CODOP (Child of a Difficult Older Parent).  A second way is by the longevity of the situation.  A third way is by behavior pattern.  In my experience, the vast majority of difficult parent situations fall into one of what I call the “classic six” difficult parent scenarios, and each is distinguished by a core difficult behavior.  They are:
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1. Intrusiveness
2. Laziness
3. Blaming, critical
4. Dishonesty 
5. Irresponsibility
6. The innocent façade

Let’s address the first two scenarios in this post, along with the key response tools that I recommend to adult CODOPs.  We’ll address the remaining four in future posts.

INTRUSIVENESS refers to the parent who arrives at your home or office uninvited and then stays too long, ignoring normal social indicators that their visit is ill-timed.  They may phone you too often, and routinely try to pry into your private topics during conversation.  They show up at your kids’ sports events and push their way into your conversations with your friends. 

The main tool for CODOPs in this scenario is managing boundaries assertively.  A boundary is a rule about what contact with us, or access to us, we allow another person to have. Boundaries should be consciously designed, implemented, and enforced.  Assertive individuals communicate clearly to others, through word and deed, what they want for themselves and what they expect of others, as well as what they are and are not willing to do.     

LAZINESS refers to the parent who is needy yet uncooperative. In many instances, they warrant the label of a “help-rejecting complainer.”  They neglect the management of themselves and their home.  When the CODOP generously tries to help in these tasks, the parent is passively obstructionist and unappreciative.  The CODOP’s help is blocked or undone, and the complaining continues.

The main tools for CODOPs in this scenario are becoming a smarter fish, understanding the meaning of honoring parents, and understanding authority vs. responsibility.  

Becoming a smarter fish is my description of learning to ignore inaccurate or provocative questions, accusations, or statements. I help CODOPs learn this. 

The Bible’s fifth commandment, “Honor your father and mother,” according to most biblical interpreters, does require that the adult child see to the parent’s basic physical needs (food, clothing, shelter, etc.), but it does not require that the adult child love or like the parent, and it does not require that the adult child obey every wish of the parent or submit to abuse of any kind.  The CODOP’s highest goal should be protecting the parent’s safety and dignity, not necessarily their happiness.  

Responsibility refers to doing the work, putting in one's own money, time, or effort, and generally "carrying the load" for a certain project, such as caring for an impaired relative.  Authority is the privilege to make and enforce decisions about the project at hand.   If you are ever asked to accept, or have the thought on your own to take, responsibility for a project that you are not also given adequate authority to complete, my advice is, don’t!

Don’t miss my upcoming posts for discussion of the remaining four classic six difficult parent scenarios.