Seven painful issues and pressing needs of CODOPs

​On February 15, 2016, I convened a focus group of several CODOPs (Children of Difficult Older Parents).  Now, I have worked with hundreds of CODOPs over my 30+ years of psychology practice.  These have been adult children of mean moms, of controlling parents, of alcoholic dads, of narcissistic mothers, etc.  Yet, the focus group was my first opportunity to ask CODOPs who had not sought out psychotherapy with me one burning question, “What are your biggest issues and needs related to having a difficult older parent?” 
 
Here is what I learned from them.
 
ISSUES
The following experiences typify life as a CODOP.

• CODOPs contend chronically with many unpleasant emotions: sadness, frustration, guilt, anger, resentment, loneliness, helplessness, fear, embarrassment.  This is exhausting.
• CODOPs have a long history of seeing typical interaction styles and methods (such as reasoning), which reliably promote peaceful relationships with other people, repeatedly fail to keep the peace with their difficult parent.  This is demoralizing.
• Many CODOPs have a history of bad experiences with mental health professionals they have consulted about their difficult parents.  This is deeply disappointing.

 
NEEDS
CODOPs are hungry for help.  They articulated their desire for:

• Support from people who really understand the CODOP dilemma.
• Effective tools for understanding their parent.
• Skills for responding constructively to their parent.
• Safeguards against becoming a difficult parent to their own children.

 
I am grateful to the focus group members for sharing so openly with me and the other participants.  Their input reinforced and deepened my understanding of their struggle.  Their contributions are helping shape my work of building a supportive community of CODOPs in Dallas. 
If you are, or know, a child of a difficult older parent, I hope you will connect with me about how to join our community.  It is free of charge, and I am confident that it will prove valuable to participants.  Just give me a call, or use the contact page on this website.  I look forward to hearing from you.