Boomerang adult children
Much is written about well functioning middle aged adults living with older parents in order to help the parents. We also read a lot nowadays about young adults, say ages 25-35, still living with their middle aged parents.
In Dr. Chafetz' practice, he has counselled with many adults in their 60s and 70s, who have an adult child in their 40s or 50s living in the parents' home. Due to setbacks in the career, marital, and financial lives of these children, they returned to the refuge of their parents' home. The move was always initially envisioned as temporary, but became chronic and open ended in the cases that reach my office.
The parents are quite unhappy about the situation, usually because this middle aged boomerang child is minimally productive. The child is typically unemployed, not effectively seeking employment. He or she is typically poorly behaved, frequently disrespectful, rude, and difficult. He or she is often described as unreliable, dishonest, sneaky, self-indulgent, lazy, and manipulative. There is rarely any financial contribution by the child toward rent, food, or utility expenses of the household. Even helpful behaviors that may once have been promised, such as housekeeping, are rarely actually performed.
The interaction pattern I typically hear described is that the parent frequently requests or demands more responsible behavior from the child, to which the child responds with angry and disrespectful words, accusations, and stonewalling. Significant arguments may ensue. The parents respond to this with frustration, anger, hurt, but ultimately by dropping their demands.
Missing from these interactions are the elements that can actually bring about improved behavior in the children. In counseling with these parents, Dr. Chafetz teaches these skill elements to the parents. These include:
1. Recognizing that the job of a parent is not limited to protecting children (of any age) from danger in the present, but also includes preparing children to survive on their own in the real world. This is a hugely important, righteous, worthy task, the outcome of which will have ramifications for generations to come. To ignore or neglect this project is to imperil many people. Since this task is so important, it justifies much effort, inconvenience, and unavoidable distress. The parent will therefore put effort into mastering new skills, and they will learn to tolerate the unavoidable distress it causes in their children, because the growth, development, and success of all parties involved make it all more than worthwhile.
2. Parents who find themselves in this situation generally have the means for more effectively influencing their children's behavior right at hand, but don't realize they do. Specifically, the parents use only their own words, and not their own actions. They rely on verbal demands and reasoning, but never put actions, or consequences, behind their words. As a result, the child is free to disregard the parents' words completely, with no meaningful penalty. When the argument described above is over, the parents fail to change their own behavior.
Dr. Chafetz' guidance, therefore, is to create a strong linkage between (a) the child's compliance with parental requests and (b) the parent's provision of various forms of support and comfort to the child. He teaches parents to create two lists. The first is the behaviors that the parents want the child to exhibit (such as looking for employment, keeping appropriate sleep and waking hours, paying rent, helping with housework, and no disrespectful speech ever), and the second is the various comforts and pleasures the parent has been providing to the child (such as shelter, food, a car, money, phone/internet/computer, etc.).
The parent is then helped to start making the continued provision of these benefits CONTINGENT UPON the child's behaving as requested. In this way, the parents' words acquire concrete relevance ("teeth") to the child. The parent cooperates with the child only to the extent that the child cooperates with the parent !!
3. These changes in parental behavior are all best done in a very calm and loving manner and tone. The linkage of child behavior and parental assistance does away with any need for argument or unpleasantness. The new rule structure created puts the child's fortunes in his own hands; he will have only himself to blame of credit for the outcome.
For further reading on this topic, please see:
http://www.newyorklife.com/nyl/v/index.jsp?contentId=13762&vgnextoid=d0bd47bb939d2210a2b3019d221024301cacRCRD
http://www.tellinitlikeitis.net/2010/03/boomerang-kids-how-to-kick-grown-adult-children-out-of-the-house.html
In Dr. Chafetz' practice, he has counselled with many adults in their 60s and 70s, who have an adult child in their 40s or 50s living in the parents' home. Due to setbacks in the career, marital, and financial lives of these children, they returned to the refuge of their parents' home. The move was always initially envisioned as temporary, but became chronic and open ended in the cases that reach my office.
The parents are quite unhappy about the situation, usually because this middle aged boomerang child is minimally productive. The child is typically unemployed, not effectively seeking employment. He or she is typically poorly behaved, frequently disrespectful, rude, and difficult. He or she is often described as unreliable, dishonest, sneaky, self-indulgent, lazy, and manipulative. There is rarely any financial contribution by the child toward rent, food, or utility expenses of the household. Even helpful behaviors that may once have been promised, such as housekeeping, are rarely actually performed.
The interaction pattern I typically hear described is that the parent frequently requests or demands more responsible behavior from the child, to which the child responds with angry and disrespectful words, accusations, and stonewalling. Significant arguments may ensue. The parents respond to this with frustration, anger, hurt, but ultimately by dropping their demands.
Missing from these interactions are the elements that can actually bring about improved behavior in the children. In counseling with these parents, Dr. Chafetz teaches these skill elements to the parents. These include:
1. Recognizing that the job of a parent is not limited to protecting children (of any age) from danger in the present, but also includes preparing children to survive on their own in the real world. This is a hugely important, righteous, worthy task, the outcome of which will have ramifications for generations to come. To ignore or neglect this project is to imperil many people. Since this task is so important, it justifies much effort, inconvenience, and unavoidable distress. The parent will therefore put effort into mastering new skills, and they will learn to tolerate the unavoidable distress it causes in their children, because the growth, development, and success of all parties involved make it all more than worthwhile.
2. Parents who find themselves in this situation generally have the means for more effectively influencing their children's behavior right at hand, but don't realize they do. Specifically, the parents use only their own words, and not their own actions. They rely on verbal demands and reasoning, but never put actions, or consequences, behind their words. As a result, the child is free to disregard the parents' words completely, with no meaningful penalty. When the argument described above is over, the parents fail to change their own behavior.
Dr. Chafetz' guidance, therefore, is to create a strong linkage between (a) the child's compliance with parental requests and (b) the parent's provision of various forms of support and comfort to the child. He teaches parents to create two lists. The first is the behaviors that the parents want the child to exhibit (such as looking for employment, keeping appropriate sleep and waking hours, paying rent, helping with housework, and no disrespectful speech ever), and the second is the various comforts and pleasures the parent has been providing to the child (such as shelter, food, a car, money, phone/internet/computer, etc.).
The parent is then helped to start making the continued provision of these benefits CONTINGENT UPON the child's behaving as requested. In this way, the parents' words acquire concrete relevance ("teeth") to the child. The parent cooperates with the child only to the extent that the child cooperates with the parent !!
3. These changes in parental behavior are all best done in a very calm and loving manner and tone. The linkage of child behavior and parental assistance does away with any need for argument or unpleasantness. The new rule structure created puts the child's fortunes in his own hands; he will have only himself to blame of credit for the outcome.
For further reading on this topic, please see:
http://www.newyorklife.com/nyl/v/index.jsp?contentId=13762&vgnextoid=d0bd47bb939d2210a2b3019d221024301cacRCRD
http://www.tellinitlikeitis.net/2010/03/boomerang-kids-how-to-kick-grown-adult-children-out-of-the-house.html
