Psychology of Forgiveness
It is an inescapable part of life that we sometimes make mistakes. Even though most of us grow wiser with the passing years, it seems that, to learn everything a person should know, we would have to live about 700 years! Since most of us are happy to get past a tenth of this time, we all are apt to mess up from time to time, at any age.
Luckily, there are some social mechanisms that (a) allow people to repair the damage done by bad behavior, and therefore (b) allow social relationship to regain a healthy, fulfilling state. These mechanisms are called FORGIVENESS.
One widely adopted mechanism for forgiveness focuses on the aggrieved party or victim. This approach strongly urges the victim to forgive the damaging party, or perpetrator. It is seen as a desirable, God-like character trait for the victim to forgive the perpetrator. The victim who does not forgive is considered less mature and developed than the victim who does forgive.
Another model, often taught by Dr. Chafetz, focuses more on the perpetrator. This might be called the psychology of forgiveness. This model puts responsibility for the victim's forgiveness on the perpetrator, by insisting that forgiveness must be EARNED, through performance of some specific steps, some of which are behavioral and some of which are psychological. These include:
--- Admission of wrongdoing
--- Acceptance of responsibility
--- Acknowledgement of harm (empathy for victim's suffering or other distress)
--- Remorse, regret ("I am sorry.")
--- Explanation of what happened and why
--- Sincere offer of prompt and full repair/compensation/restitution ("How can I make this up to you?)
--- Promise to behave better; forbearance: ("I promise nothing like this will ever happen again.")
--- Request for forgiveness
Further, this forgiveness psychotherapy teaches that the victim has options, regardless of perpetrator's actions. The victim can:
--- Retain memory of offense, disapproval, anger, resentment, demands for restitution & punishment.
--- Release demands (cancel debts), but retain opinions and feelings.
--- Relinquish rights to all negative feelings and all demands for consequences, and nurture undeserved compassion, generosity,
even love toward perpetrator.
Further reading: Balkin, Freeman, & Lyman (2009): Forgiveness, reconciliation, and mechila: Integrating the Jewish concept of forgiveness into clinical practice. Counseling and values, 53, 153-160.
Luckily, there are some social mechanisms that (a) allow people to repair the damage done by bad behavior, and therefore (b) allow social relationship to regain a healthy, fulfilling state. These mechanisms are called FORGIVENESS.
One widely adopted mechanism for forgiveness focuses on the aggrieved party or victim. This approach strongly urges the victim to forgive the damaging party, or perpetrator. It is seen as a desirable, God-like character trait for the victim to forgive the perpetrator. The victim who does not forgive is considered less mature and developed than the victim who does forgive.
Another model, often taught by Dr. Chafetz, focuses more on the perpetrator. This might be called the psychology of forgiveness. This model puts responsibility for the victim's forgiveness on the perpetrator, by insisting that forgiveness must be EARNED, through performance of some specific steps, some of which are behavioral and some of which are psychological. These include:
--- Admission of wrongdoing
--- Acceptance of responsibility
--- Acknowledgement of harm (empathy for victim's suffering or other distress)
--- Remorse, regret ("I am sorry.")
--- Explanation of what happened and why
--- Sincere offer of prompt and full repair/compensation/restitution ("How can I make this up to you?)
--- Promise to behave better; forbearance: ("I promise nothing like this will ever happen again.")
--- Request for forgiveness
Further, this forgiveness psychotherapy teaches that the victim has options, regardless of perpetrator's actions. The victim can:
--- Retain memory of offense, disapproval, anger, resentment, demands for restitution & punishment.
--- Release demands (cancel debts), but retain opinions and feelings.
--- Relinquish rights to all negative feelings and all demands for consequences, and nurture undeserved compassion, generosity,
even love toward perpetrator.
Further reading: Balkin, Freeman, & Lyman (2009): Forgiveness, reconciliation, and mechila: Integrating the Jewish concept of forgiveness into clinical practice. Counseling and values, 53, 153-160.