INDEPENDENCE DAY 2017

An early step in the writing of my new book, Loving Hard-to-Love Parents: A Handbook for Adult Children of Difficult Older Parents, was a review of files of patients I had seen in my practice over the previous five years. Among these, I found dozens of cases of patients who were struggling with a difficult older parent. My notes detailed the unpleasant behaviors of these parents, and the themes running through these cases became the backbone of my book.

It was quite interesting, however, to also find files for many patients who once or still had a very difficult parent, yet had gotten quite over it and had used their psychotherapy with me to deal with another life challenge altogether. Their history with their difficult parent was old business, just another “oh, well” piece of their life tapestry. What differentiated these adults from their still-suffering peers is a very complex topic, which will probably be examined at length in my book’s eventual second edition.

What is vital to recognize right now, however, is that the very existence of such “recovered CODOPs” sends a profound message to those less fortunate, i.e., that recovery truly is attainable.

What does recovery mean for a CODOP? Apropos for Independence Day, it means emotional independence from the difficult parent and their legacy. It means emancipation, that is, termination of a former state of inequality. It means peerhood, that is, a deep sense of equal autonomy, equal authority, and equal responsibility between the parent and the adult child. It means filial maturity, that is, the mutual and caring relationship seen between adult children and their older parents, including each understanding the needs of the other.

As was the case for our national founding fathers, independence is not willingly granted by problematic rulers. The underdog has to work for it, demand it, fight for it, and refuse to accept anything less. It takes clarity, courage, and commitment. With luck, the relationship between the formerly unequal parties can eventually become as positive as that between the US and Great Britain today.

Everything I know about this process is in my book. As of this writing, copies are rolling off of the press in Dallas. Stay up to date here on how you can get your copy.

Happy Independence Day!

SEE ALSO my blog post for Independence Day last year here.